selfishness has never been so apparent and i feel fooled and duped.

i fall in love with nearly every cat i encounter. so of course i broke down in tears when i saw a dead one lying on a cold table at my job. i've done so well with all of the other hurt or dying animals that are brought in, but as soon as i see a dead cat i lose it.

i'll be in ft. myers next week but i plan on being a bit of a recluse, just to take it easy a little while for my brain.

bob dylan's new christmas album makes me scared of christmas.

i officially only waitress two nights a week now.  my weekends are finally free.  my job at the animal hospital is currently information overload, but i'm fascinated by it all.  i have a long ways to go before i become desensitized and not want to take every incoming hurt animal home.  it will be nice to have steady income, despite how little it might be.  they treat me pretty well there, aside from the few catty girls who i will annoy by being disgustingly sweet to them until they give in and learn to like me, damn it.
i've been frantically studying all morning for a test that was planned for 11:30, but i just learned it has been pushed back to next week.  good things.

 thinking back to who i was a bit over a year ago and comparing it to now is so insane to me.  my views on so much have changed drastically, absolutely for the better.  i put myself through a lot then because i knew that making myself miserable was the only way i could be satisfied with myself in the long run.  it worked, i think, or at least something did. 
putting myself through hell is my only option, and it's so far from easy.  but it will always put things into perspective which is crucial.  wallowing in my own self-pity blinds me from the larger picture.  i've gone through things no one should ever have to go through and i think i've done a good job at coming out of them with my self-respect still mostly intact, mostly.  
but it's so easy to be tempted, and so easy to get caught up in the moment for me.  so incredibly easy.  i become wrapped up in the current and begin to ignore the future consequences, even though i have enough sense to know what the consequences are.  because the current is just so good right then.  right at that moment.  but there are always consequences.
i want to take too many risks, but is that really a bad thing?  it is if other people involved are negatively affected, of course.  i think i do struggle at recognizing that at times.  would that make me self-absorbed?   
i'm not unhappy right now, quite the opposite.  i feel healthy for the most part, i have people in my life that i can't get enough of, i'm working at creating a decent routine but still leaving just enough room for a little spontaneity.  my issues are annoyances, and even those aren't worth mentioning.  
i don't know where this post is going.  i just love how unpredictable life really is and all i can do is just embrace it always.

today is what most of my days off should be like, but i feel so seldom are.  i'm convinced that my aunt and uncle know how to live.  they just returned from a month long trip up the east coast and back in celebration of their job retirements.  they came back still obviously in love with each other, not sick of each other like so many couples are when they travel together.  i'm so curious about the system within their marriage, because it's working. 
they make a soup or stew every sunday afternoon and ryan and i joined them for lunch today.  the hours passed by so quickly.  they are people who appreciate company and are happy to give, and i always always feel so at home.  it seems fitting that my sister, mother and i will be celebrating thanksgiving a week early at my aunt and uncle's home because i'm so incredibly thankful for them.

as childish as it sounds, my mother's company and wisdom always helps me feel so much better about everything.  my mom is a beautiful anomaly and i am so grateful to her.

ryan and i watched To Kill a Mockingbird last night.  it's my autumn movie.  i'll never get tired of it, and there's a chance i'm too serious about it.  poor ryan had to sit through "OH!  this next scene is SO GOOD" "ugh, isn't Atticus just so beautiful?" "oh my god, the speech is about to happen, oh my god".  really though, it's one of my favorite stories of all time and I will probably read the book again soon.

i was given the job, discussing pay with them thursday morning.  we'll see.

last month was so bad, but things are okay.  sacrifices and stuff, it's the way life goes.  
the trees are so beautiful right now.

wednesday i will be informed whether or not I have a new job.  i feel like the interview went well.  this job will be full of heart-break and sad animals but i want to be that person who helps and consoles sad animal owners.  it'd be more rewarding than what i am doing right now.

tallahassee is cold cold and grey currently.  it keeps reminding me that i still need to purchase warmer clothes.  and that i need to go exploring.  i'm slacking.

hot apple cider should help.

I can't figure out if the party was more awkward than fun for me.  Either way, it's over.
I enjoy socializing, but not like that.  I enjoy attention, but not like that.  Give it to the girl showing off her cleavage and drunkenly making constant obscene gestures instead, please.  Let me eat my chocolate in peace.
I'm tired.  
I don't want to be convinced that I'm waisting my time.  Kindness is appreciated, but only by kind people.  There's not a lot of kind people.
I'm selfish too.

when i was little i wanted my own personal totoro so badly.  i thought about him the other day and i still want my own personal totoro. 



i have a potential interview for a new job.  hoping.
some girls in class today were making fun of my toes.  i looked down and could see why.  they are black with dirt from walking everywhere barefoot.  i wiggled them in response to the comments.
lyle lovett just performed here in tallahassee and i couldn't afford to see him, and that's sad.
neko case and deer tick are playing november 20th, this is good.

 the only three pens i had in class yesterday died, one right after the other, leaving me to write my sociology notes with eye-liner because i'm too shy to ask my classmates if they could let me borrow a pen(cil)..

our house is very glittery now due to constructing my costume.  the dog looks like tinker bell.

 not everyone is going to be convinced that i'm worth the energy.  on the level of relationships, perhaps i'm not.  but i almost obsessively refuse to be as passive as i used to be; i at least owe that to myself.  

things are stressful, i have too much on my mind, i care too much about things that i'll never make sense of and they will never be properly explained.  but really, i have so many good things and i should never lose focus on that.

i recently wrote a paper on hermione from harry potter and titled it "Granger than Fiction".  there's a chance my professor might hate me.  

My Uncle's funeral today was one of the nicest funerals I've been to.  It was extremely nautical and I love anything nautical.  I am always so fascinated by my family, and learning of my Uncle's adventures out at sea during his many years as a sailor reminded me how incredible people in my family really are and have been.  What was his sense of danger and excitement is everything I want in my life.  Stomping around barefoot in the Everglades, having an encounter with real pirates (and successfully fighting them off!), flying and sailing around the world with no set destination, no plan or structure...All of that sounds so awful to others.  But I would marry a man that would have the desire to do any one of those things. 
The only crazy plan I have for myself (for now) is joining the PeaceCorps.  The only problem is that it's too many years away.

I'm writing this half asleep.  but I had fun tonight.

I've been caring for a diabetic cat and his blood sugar has been so out of sorts this week.  I wish I was a little more familiar with diabetes to have an idea of when and when not to freak out.  Because all I'm doing right now is freaking out.
I have a paper due tomorrow that I haven't started on.  
I leave for Ft. Myers tomorrow and will be in Naples some of Saturday for my great uncle's funeral.  I'm not looking forward to this weekend for different reasons.  It's been a while since I haven't been excited about coming home and that kind of stinks. 
I just want a normal sleeping pattern.  Really, I just want a solution. 
Helpless and dramatic and pretty much entirely pathetic.  But mostly helpless?

National Government professor: "...so they're trying to convince Obama to get rid of his Blackberry."
me:  "Aw man, does that mean he's no longer going to update his tweets?"
class:  silence.

I'll be in Ft. Myers for a brief minute this weekend.  I deserve to have a not-so-pleasant thought filled drive.

Relationships take openness and honesty, effort and energy.  It's about maybe sacrificing your comfort zone and becoming a little more adventurous.  Because you have nothing to lose.  If you're in love with someone, tell them.  Kiss them.  Especially if you rarely have the chance to see them.  Let them know that this is what you want.  Love is arbitrary, but when I feel it, I can't help but be blind towards rationale and logic.  To me, that's the risk and passion that comes with being in love.
But if that is too much from you, if you want something a little more simple and easy, then what's the point.  

This is why relationships are so strange to me.  This is why I can't possibly see myself ever feeling confident in marriage, because really, nothing stays the same forever.  People get tired.  They get bored.  They get curious about other people.  That's life, I suppose. 
It'd be a lot easier if things were never really that good to begin with.  But that's not the case.
Here's to being cynical again.  Maybe this time I'll actually stay single for more than three months.

To make this weekend even more sad, I accidentally killed a lady bug.  That's an awful feeling by itself.